IT WAS ALWAYS YOU Read online

  She nodded, like she understood. “He psyched you out.”

  “Injury’s always on my mind. If anything goes wrong…”

  “Hey.” She set her hand on his shoulder. “If anything goes wrong, you’re still at one of the top schools in the country. You’ll get a great education and have a career.”

  “Yeah, but see, those are just words. You know I can’t do anything but football. From the time I moved here, I’ve been on one track.”

  Frustration flashed across her features. “No, I don’t know that. You’re as smart as you are athletic. Look, I have a feeling this is about my dad, and you have to know that, unless you get a girl pregnant, flunk out of school, or become a giant, egotistical jerk, you can’t let him down. He’s really proud of you, Cassian, and he’ll be the first to say you did this on your own. It was your work ethic, your natural ability, and your coachability. All he did was guide you. I know he’s told you, but you have to believe him when he says you’ve made him very, very proud.”

  He blinked back the sting in his eyes. He owed her dad everything. The retired quarterback had plucked Cassian out of detention the first week of freshman year and spent countless hours turning Cassian into a great ball player. Tyler Cavanaugh had seen something in him, and there wasn’t a chance he’d let the man down.

  Gigi could say whatever she wanted, but her dad expected Cassian to play professionally. Cassian wanted it, too, of course. But…it was a hell of a lot of pressure.

  She licked her lips, gazing up at him with those soft, imploring eyes. “You’re not that self-destructive kid anymore. You turned yourself around. I think…I think sometimes you misunderstand. He doesn’t need you to have his career. He just needs you to be a good man and live your best life.”

  My best life is with you. He knew that down to his bones. Everyone thought it was Tyler who’d changed him—and to a degree it was. He respected Tyler more than any other man alive. But it was Gigi who made him want to be a better man.

  For her, he’d wanted to be cleaner. Nicer. Smarter. Not a chance would he have shown up at her house with a shitty report card or smelling like ass.

  Gigi nudged him. “You know that, right? My dad cares more about you getting on the right path in life than having you follow in his footsteps.”

  “Yeah, sure.”

  Laughing, she smacked his arm. “Don’t humor me. Tell me what you’re thinking.”

  This is what I love about her. She makes me face my shit. He swiped a thumb across his lower lip. “Look, I owe your dad everything. I wouldn’t be the quarterback of our team, and I sure as hell wouldn’t be playing for a Big Ten school if he hadn’t stepped in. And I’m…” How did he explain it without sounding weak?

  “Scared.”

  Just hearing the word out loud calmed him. Knowing she understood made him chill out. “Hell, yeah, I’m scared. I’m terrified. How many hometown heroes choke in college? It’s easy to be great in Wyoming, but it’s a whole other level at a school like Michigan. And, even if I can handle myself on the field, I still have to perform in classes. And…” The thing that really messed him up. “I’m not like the other guys. Most of them started football when they were four. I didn’t start until I was fourteen. That’s late. I don’t know that I have what it takes to make it to the pros. Everyone’s going to be looking at me, comparing me to all the other QBs. I—”

  She held up a hand. “Stop. Listen to me, your coach has been recruiting guys for over twenty years. He flew you out to do drills with his team—he’s seen you in action. He knows what he’s got in you.” Those earnest eyes begged him to hear her. “I think, on some level, you’re working so hard to earn your keep. It’s not just with my dad. You do it with your aunt and uncle, too.”

  After his parents died when he was fourteen, he’d gone to live with his uncle’s family in Calamity. For the first two years, he hadn’t made it easy on them.

  “But you have to realize…they all love you like a son.”

  He didn’t know about that. Still, his hand went to his chest, to ease the ache in his heart.

  “You’re worthy just as you are.”

  The ache swelled so big it made it hard to take a full breath. This girl…she was the only person in the world who saw him right down to his bones.

  And accepted him all the way.

  None of the self-discipline he’d marshalled to get recruited by the top team in the nation compared to what it took for him to keep his hands off her.

  To keep from kissing her.

  “I’m so happy for you. You’ve earned this. Can you even imagine how many times my dad’s going to fly out there to see your games? He should probably buy a condo near campus.” The plea in her eyes hit him harder than her grin. She needs me to be happy about this.

  Her best friend, Ashton, stumbled into them, laughing. “I’m stealing her for one second.” Grabbing Gigi’s wrist, she dragged her away.

  Cassian leaned against the wall, closing his eyes. Gigi didn’t know the price Cassian had paid for her dad’s mentoring.

  And she never would.

  Last year, Tyler had found them in their tree house. Well, it wasn’t literally in a tree. He and Gigi had constructed a make-shift cottage in the woods on her parent’s property. They’d put up sheets of plywood, covered the space in tarps. Inside, they’d strung solar-powered lights and outfitted it with a mattress, bedding, and orange crates to store their supplies.

  Cassian would never forget Tyler’s expression when he’d discovered them. He’d gone rigid. Later, he’d pulled Cassian aside and said, “I want to help you. I want to get you all the way to the NFL. I’m doing it because I get you. I was you, but I have one requirement. You have to keep your hands off my daughter. She’s got big plans, and the talent to realize them—but only if you give her the chance.”

  What could he say to that? No, I love her, and if that means making her career secondary to mine, you bet I’m going for it?

  He’d never told her dad the truth. That it wasn’t a crush. It’s not hormones. She’s not a notch on my bed post.

  She’s my heart. My soul.

  No, he’d just promised to never touch the man’s daughter.

  And now, here they were, at that dreaded turning point.

  College.

  They’d applied to all the same schools, but that didn’t mean any of them were right for Gigi. Everyone knew she belonged in a music program. She was going to be a star one day, and Cassian wouldn’t hold her back. If she chose Julliard or Berklee, he’d celebrate with her.

  Gigi came back, shaking her head. “She’s wasted and looking for trouble. I can’t even deal with her when she’s like this.” She turned him away from the manic dancing. “So, listen. I’ve applied to Michigan’s School of Music.” Her eyes glittered with excitement. “If I get in, I’m going there.”

  And here it is. Exactly what her dad didn’t want to happen.

  She looked so confident and happy, like, This is it, we can finally be together. And this…this is what made it so damn hard to keep his hands off her.

  Because—miracle of all fucking miracles—he was pretty sure Gigi Cavanaugh loved him, too. And she wanted him to tell her they could be together in college.

  But he couldn’t do that.

  What kind of man would I be to take everything Tyler’s given me and then screw him over like that?

  All her joy sputtered out, turned into uncertainty. “Don’t you want me to go school with you?”

  “Yes.” He said it in a growly whisper. His skin went hot, and his pulse kicked up. “But you’re too talented, Gigi. The situation should be reversed. You should go to the best music program in the country, and I should play ball wherever you are.”

  Her features softened with hope and love. Danger pricked at the back of his neck.

  She searched his eyes, and he didn’t know what they revealed. He was sweating, his breathing growing erratic.

  “I want things to be different in college, Ca
ssian. I want…us to be together. I want that so much.”

  Trust Gigi to put it out there, to be honest and real. She didn’t hide from anything.

  And then, out of nowhere, she got up on her toes and kissed him.

  The world exploded into brilliant colors. Need clamped down so hard his muscles ached. He licked inside her mouth, and she leaned into him. Desire burned wild and out of control.

  He finally had her in his arms, her plump breasts pressed against his chest, her hand fisting in his hair. Her scent—exotic flowers, that hint of herbal shampoo—seeped into his bloodstream, triggering a primal roar of possession. His tongue did a slow dance with hers, lighting him up at the forbidden taste—mint, lemon soda—and he fucking wanted her more than he’d ever wanted anything.

  Shit. Fuck.

  You can’t do this.

  He pushed her away. His disloyalty to the man who’d made him into a star athlete disgusted him. His body waged war against his brain—desperate to have her back in his arms, yet knowing he’d never forgive himself if she compromised her dreams.

  Her eyes went wide, scared. Her trembling hand covered her mouth, and her pulse throbbed in her throat. “What…why did you do that?”

  Shudders wracked his body. Still, he forced a smirk. “Come on. You know I don’t see you like that.”

  Hurt, anger, confusion fought for dominance on her beautiful features. Tears glistened. “Don’t…don’t do that. I’m not talking about now. I’m talking about next September.”

  But you’re kissing me now.

  And I can’t resist you.

  I can’t.

  “We’re just friends, Gigi. Who cares where we go to school?” Stop talking.

  Her expression…Jesus, she was killing him.

  No, you’re killing her.

  Get out of here.

  Just go.

  He turned and took in the mass of bodies dancing and grinding on each other.

  She pulled on his arm. “I know what you’re doing. My dad told you to keep your hands off me, right? That day he found us in the tree house? Everything changed after that.” She wasn’t hurt anymore. She was fierce. “What did he say to you?”

  He couldn’t betray the man who’d flown across the country to watch him sign his letter of intent. Like shutting down his computer, he felt his system going offline. One cell after another going black.

  “Tell me.” She got a fist full of his shirt and yanked it. “It’s my life, too. I deserve to know what he said.”

  By force of will, he made his legs start moving. He walked away from her, deeper into the crowd, where everyone reeked of booze and weed. He needed to get out of there.

  He felt dangerous. Like if she touched him one more time he’d finally give in and haul her up those stairs.

  Fill all the emptiness inside him with her love.

  Because that’s what he needed. More than football, more than a career, more than anything on this earth, he needed to be with Gigi.

  She reached for him. “Dammit, Cassian—”

  He wrenched his arm out of her hold. “Stop touching me.”

  Her eyes filled with horror.

  “I’m not attracted to you, okay?” He pushed deeper into the crowd and reached for the nearest body. The girl whipped around, her eyes lighting up when she saw it was him, their school’s winning quarterback.

  Oh, fuck. It’s Ashton. She went from surprised to excited…to straight-up vixen. She shimmied with the music, swinging her hips side to side, as she made her way down his body and back up again. She kept dancing, a little awkward because she was so wasted, but there was no denying how happy she was to seduce him.

  He felt Gigi watching him—of course he did. They were connected—deep down, irrevocably, their souls were made of the same fabric—and when he turned to her, he was surprised to find her worried.

  Not crushed but worried.

  You’re not going to do this, are you?

  Because you can’t take this back. You know that, right?

  But he couldn’t play this out anymore. It was killing him, loving a woman he couldn’t have. Spending every free moment with her but not being able to touch her. And, anyways, her dad had called it. Gigi would go to the wrong school just to be with him. He couldn’t do that to her.

  So, he reached for her best friend’s ass and brought her up against him. And then…he kissed her.

  The clash of lips, the foul taste of beer, the sickly sweet scent of perfume…everything was wrong. His body rebelled, shook with the offense of erasing Gigi’s taste with someone else’s.

  Tilting his head, he forced himself to watch the destruction.

  He’d seen Gigi experience every emotion under the sun. Joy when she got a standing ovation after a performance, contentment when they lay on their backs, feet braced against the orange crates in their tree house, talking about whatever was on their minds. Sorrow when her dog never came home, and outrage when her sister had broken her favorite guitar.

  Everything except this one. Her devastation burned like acid on his heart.

  He couldn’t take it. He just couldn’t. So, he reached for Ashton’s hand and led her up the stairs.

  Only this time he didn’t look to see Gigi’s reaction.

  It didn’t matter. It was done.

  He’d pushed her away for good.

  Chapter Two

  JUNE, NINE YEARS LATER

  Bottles littered the tables surrounding the hotel’s pool. From Cassian Ellis’s vantage point on the tiered middle deck, he could see two couples making out on some chaise lounges and another going at it so hard they kept knocking a potted plant against the wall.

  It wasn’t even midnight, and some of the guys looked bored, so he shouted down to the terrace below. “Turn it up.”

  Big Sean’s “Bezerk” blasted, and he lifted himself onto the ledge before letting out a warrior cry.

  A crowd gathered below, egging him on, clapping and whistling. A few guys came running up the stairs to join him.

  With a shout, he cannonballed into the deep end of the pool. When he popped out of the water, he found others had joined him. Frothy waves of water crashed against the sides and splashed onto the concrete. People started jumping in, laughing and flicking water at each other. Good.

  The song abruptly switched to Nelly’s “Hot in Herre,” and then Amie Clover, the woman who ran his football camp, dashed across the patio and leapt onto the diving board. He’d never seen her so blitzed. What’re you doing, Amie? In a tiny black bikini, she started swaying her hips, running her hands along her body and…

  Oh, hell. She was going to strip for his teammates.

  Their reactions would have been hilarious, the way one guy after another stopped messing around, jaws going slack, to watch the action. But, not only did she run his football camp for underprivileged kids, she was also a Mavericks cheerleader. He didn’t want some hotel staffer whipping out his cell phone and grabbing shots of her stripping in front of the team.

  Her job meant the world to her.

  Dazzled, the guys called out, urging her on. She drank up the attention, using her toned body and trained muscles to seduce and entice. But then she grabbed her large breasts and gave them a shake.

  This isn’t good.

  Hoisting himself out of the pool, he headed for the sound system, water dripping off his body. Instead of embarrassing her, he’d just change the song.

  Except…shit. She reached behind her neck. She was about to take her top off.

  Should he stop her? She was an adult, and she could do whatever she wanted with that banging body she loved to show off. He just wasn’t sure how she’d feel tomorrow morning, knowing she’d stripped in front of the guys she worked with year-round.

  The ties dropped, dangling. Fortunately, the swimsuit was wet, so the fabric still clung to her breasts. When her hands went to the ties at her back, Cassian jogged over to the diving board and jumped on it. Just as she flung her top into the pool, he blocked
her from the guys.

  “Hey.” She gazed up at him, accusation in her eyes. When she tried to shove him, she lost her balance.

  Cassian looped an arm around her back, catching her. “In four days, you’re going to be bossing these guys around. You sure you want them to see you naked?”

  She flicked a glance over his shoulder. “I’m just having fun.”

  “As you should. I just don’t want either of us to jeopardize our careers.” His coach was sick of all the bad press Cassian generated. If shots got out of a naked cheerleader at one of his parties, he’d hear about it.

  He didn’t need trouble.

  He also didn’t want her topless body up against his. He was very careful about the message he sent to women. If there was any chance he’d have to see them again or work with them in any capacity, he didn’t hook up. At all. Ever. He never wanted to give a woman the wrong impression.

  But just as he released her, her knees buckled, so he scooped her up and climbed off the diving board. His closest friend Dean “Mad Dog” Maddox stood nearby. “Toss me a towel.”

  Handing him one, Dean came up close. “She okay?”

  Cassian nodded, wrapping Amie up before setting her down.

  She gave him a soft grin. “You’re a good guy, Cassian.”

  Tell that to the press that liked to have a field day with his reputation. “Let’s get you some clothes.” He grabbed someone’s big T-shirt and handed it to her.

  “Time to shut the party down,” he said to Dean. “We made it through the whole vacation scandal-free. Let’s not press our luck.”

  Flashlights lit up the pool area in broad sweeps. Cassian whipped around to find police spreading out across the patio. A big, burly officer shined a light right at his chest.

  “Cassian Ellis?”

  “Yes, sir.”

  “Is this your party?”

  Oh, fuck.

  Gigi Cavanaugh shut off the mic so the recording engineer couldn’t hear her and turned to her bandmates. “You guys, this isn’t working. Let’s just do what they want, okay? Play it as it’s written.”